There was a time, not all that long ago, that my nervous system didn’t understand what it felt like to be safe… It had been safe but it didn’t trust the feeling because it was so alien and anomalous… And then I did a lot of therapy with an amazing woman who saved my life… And I learned to tell the difference between toxic relationships that were causing harm (either because the other person/people were toxic or because I was the toxic entity in that relationship) and step away from them… And I learned who were the safe people in my life and how to protect myself from the not safe people…
I learned to understand what a nervous system feels like when it’s not constantly under attack… But one thing I can’t do, and I defy anyone who’s been through what I have to be any different, is stop my nervous system from retreating into defensive behaviours when it’s under attack.
Stop calling me defensive as if it’s a flaw!
I should be fucking dead! Ten times over! I should have been sectioned multiple times and only the patience and fear induced protection of my husband has saved me from that… The only thing my nervous system knows how to do is properly is get defensive because it’s never been put in a position where it doesn’t need to!
I don’t want to be that person again. The one who sees a fight everywhere and causes issues where there weren’t any. I don’t want to be the person always ready for a fight because that’s all that ever comes. I don’t want to walk around with that lead weight in my stomach all the time because I don’t know where the next attack will come from but I know it’s fucking coming and I need to be ready…
And there are only two places in my life that cause that issue now… I’ve sorted my life out so that I don’t have to put up with people harming me, and it is harm, it’s a violent attack upon my person and it fucking hurts me… And that’s dealing with That School and dealing with the fall out because my daughter’s nervous system is becoming just like mine… Because even though she’s safe at home, her nervous system can’t see anything but the fight either…
Smashing multigenerational trauma cycles is my fucking super power! I do it every day and it’s probably the only thing I’ve ever been truly good at… And yet, even I can’t protect my daughter… They’re so ignorant, so arrogant, so uneducated and so good at gaslighting and bullying CHILDREN and their parents into obedience that I just couldn’t protect her from them.
My daughter’s mental health is deteriorating at a terrifying rate and it’s 100% the fault of the education system.
That’s not me being arrogant or assuming I’m doing nothing wrong. Every third party organisation, every local authority service, every single resource I’ve begged for help has told me I’m doing everything right and that there’s nothing they can do to help because I’m so on top of it… So I need to be failing more than this for them to help me.
My daughter needs to be on the brink of severe and imminent harm, rather than just irreparable harm, with a parent who is abusing or neglecting her, before they’ll act… Because clearly a parent who is just crying and begging for help isn’t ”not coping” enough for them!
I’m failing. I’m being failed. Worst of all, my daughter is being failed by a system that, so far, is supporting her brother so well that he’s thriving! Same system, same academy trust, even! And the stark difference between the two is inescapable…
I don’t know what to do… I support parents with this sort of thing all the time… And yet, for my own daughter, nothing I do helps… I dread to think what her life will be like after this fight… I don’t want her to be like me… Not like this…
The lead weight is back in my stomach… But all they see is a rude parent… Not the panic attack, not the almost passing out from fatigue from the stress causing insomnia… No… My daughter has an attitude and I’m rude…
Well… I guess it’s the circle of life, right? My Nanna, Aunts, Cousins and Mother were all labelled as difficult parents and now I am too… Generation after generation of parents watching their children struggle and being painted as a problem when they protest…
I’m so fucking tired… I don’t know much longer I can keep fighting it… Or fighting for them…
This is what multigenerational trauma looks like… It’s not pretty or eloquent. It’s not a line chart or a graph of statistics… It’s ugly and messy and heartbreaking.
This is what it looks like on the ground. Not in a lab or a class room or a government meeting room… This is the reality. A
And it fucking sucks!
The Neurodivergent Bee 